


Captain Chorus Girl

by orphan_account



Series: The Teenvengers [4]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angry Steve, Bad Acting, Bruce wins everything, Coulson has a huge freedom boner for captain america, Old guys have too many alter egos, Steve is Bucky and Bucky is Steve, Tony loses a bet, blackmailed Bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2018-02-19 10:52:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2385701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coulson gets to fulfill his lifelong dream of directing Captain America the Musical. Steve, Tony, and Bucky are scared of his wrath. Can be stand-alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain Chorus Girl

**Author's Note:**

> Go to the series page for background (if you want it)

"He doesn't visit that often," Steve argued, glaring at Tony.  The team was surrounded by Chinese take-out boxes, vegging on the couch together for the last night of a nice weekend. 

 

"Literally, every time I turn around, Fury is up in my business. He visits like three times a week."

 

"He does not!"

 

"Wanna bet?"

 

"What're the stakes?"

 

"Fury visits more than three times, you have to try out for the school musical. And don't half-ass it either, you have to try, and if you make it, you have to do it."

 

"If he visits less than three times, or three times, you have to do it."

 

"You're on Cap. I can't wait to see you up on that stage embarrassing yourself in auditions."

 

"What is the school musical anyway?" 

 

"Captain America the Musical. Written by that Mary Jane Watson chick and directed, cast, and with songs composed by Agent Principal Coulson."

 

"Fun," Steve said sarcastically. 

 

...

 

On Monday, Fury popped by to check on Tony's equipment for SHIELD. Steve argued that that wasn't fair, and Tony argued that that was the only scheduled meeting with Fury all week and he'd forgotten about it. The two came to an agreement that it wouldn't count as long as the count didn't go over anyway. 

 

On Wednesday, Fury came by to yell at Clint and Natasha for stealing the prototype Spiderman webshooters. 

 

Steve was beginning to panic a bit then, but as long as Fury only visited once for the rest of the week, he was in the clear. 

 

On Friday afternoon, they had to fight giant clowns from outer space. Steve wasn't quite sure what was going on either. 

 

Fury stopped by afterwards because they hadn't checked back with SHIELD. Steve cursed his forgetfulness. 

 

Finally it was Sunday night, and Steve was practically in the clear. He was sitting back and relaxing, all his homework finally done, when Jarvis spoke. 

 

"Steve, Tony would like you to come to his workshop."

 

Steve smirked. Tony was probably going to try to worm his way out of the bet. As if Steve would let that happen.

 

When he got to the workshop, his mouth dropped open in horror. 

 

"Director Fury, what a surprise!" Steve said weakly. 

 

"Captain Rogers, I wanted to talk to you about upping the training schedule. As I'm sure you're aware, Agent Coulson is the acting principal at Midtown High and so SHIELD has managed to build a system of tunnels under the school. You are all to report to Detention hall B each day at 3:45."

 

"School ends at three, wouldn't it make more sense to meet at 3:15 sir?" Steve asked. 

 

"The Helicarrier isn't always underground. You all coming at 3:45 will give us sufficient time to get it underwater." 

 

Steve nodded. "Is that all sir?"

 

"It is," Fury gave a nod to them both and swept from the room. 

 

Tony looked at Steve with glee. 

 

"This is gonna be hilarious! I can't wait to see you on the big stage!"

 

"I might not be cast," Steve pointed out. 

 

"Coulson's casting it, of course you'll be cast," Tony smirked. "I'm going to make sure that thing is filmed!"

 

Steve groaned. 

 

...

 

The day of the auditions dawned with thunderclouds and the air already smelled a bit like rain. Steve glared at everything while getting ready. 

 

"What's eating you?" Clint asked. 

 

"The auditions are today!" Tony said with glee. Steve gave him a particularly vicious look. 

 

"Someone's grumpy!" Bucky sang, flicking the back of Steve's head. 

 

Natasha laughed. Bruce was smiling behind his teacup. 

 

Steve hated them all. 

 

"We're going to come support you!" Thor grinned. 

 

Steve banged his head on the table. 

 

...

 

"Some turnout, huh?" 

 

Steve turned to see Peter Parker from his English class, camera in hand, standing behind him. 

 

"Yeah, thank god."

 

Peter frowned. "Don't you want the part?"

 

"No, I'm just here because I lost a bet." Steve scowled. 

 

Peter snorted. "Well at least the songs will probably be better than the Spiderman musical songs. Principal Coulson has a huge freedom boner for Captain America."

 

Steve blushed. "I know. I'm hoping not to make it at all. Part of the bet means that if I make it, I have to do it. And they'll know if I don't try."

 

"Tough luck," Peter patted his shoulder and headed off to take some pictures and talk to Mary Jane Watson. 

 

Steve's palms were ridiculously sweaty as he walked onto the stage. 

 

"Alright Mr. Rogers, we're going to start by reading some lines. We're going to go with the first meeting between Dr. Erskine and Captain America. Feel free to ad lib a bit, if it'll help you get more into character."

 

Steve nodded nervously and picked up a script. He winced as his hand left a damp mark on the page. Gross. 

 

"Well, what's your name then?" began Mary Jane. "Is it Samuel Washington from Brooklyn? Timothy Smith from Oklahoma? How about Chris Evans from Boston or Mark Sundance from Ohio?"

 

"Samuel Washington ma'am, from Brooklyn."

 

"And do you think you're prepared to kill Nazis?"

 

Steve swallowed. The next line was 'I'm ready to do whatever it takes for the Allies to win,' but that wasn't something he'd say. He didn't want to be in the show, but he didn't want to be mischaracterized either. "I don't want to kill anyone," he said honestly. "I don't like bullies."

 

"Cut!" Coulson said, eyebrow raised. "That's not the line."

 

"Yes, but Captain America's given interviews on his view of the Atomic Bomb, so he obviously does have a problem with doing whatever it takes."

 

Coulson and Mary Jane exchanged glances. 

 

"Alright, you've got a great grasp of the character!" Mary Jane said excitedly. 

 

"Thanks?" Steve said. 

 

...

 

The dance portion was hell. Steve was still a crappy dancer, but he could at least copy other people, so he knew what he was doing, even if his movements were rigid.

 

...

 

The singing portion was something Steve never even wanted to think of ever again. He hadn't known that there were so many ways to sing "The Star Spangled Man" off-key. He'd spent the entire time leading up to his turn trading off between freaking out and wincing as his ears were assaulted by the horrid sounds. 

 

...

 

"We'll post the callback list soon," Coulson said after the auditions. "We saw a lot of talent here today, so it's going to have to be narrowed down considerably."

 

Steve prayed that he hadn't made it through to the callbacks, but because he was Steve Rogers and the world hated him, he was up there on the list. 

 

On Thursday of that week, he trudged into the theater, sullen and disappointed. 

 

"Rough luck," Peter greeted. "Saw you made it through."

 

Steve groaned. "I really don't want to do this."

 

"You can just mess it up enough that you won't get cast but it won't look purposeful," Peter suggested. 

 

Steve shook his head. "Nope, then I'll just disappoint Coulson, and I always feel like I've committed a great sin when that happens."

 

"Man, I know that feel. Hey, if you make it in, I can at least make you look good," Peter offered, holding up his camera.

 

"Thanks Peter," Steve nodded to him and stepped in line for the others auditioning for "Sam Washington." It had been a thing for the Howling Commandos, back in the war. None of them had really been too into the famous thing (Well, except for Dum Dum, but that was Dum Dum), so they'd made a plan. They made up fake names to use, and if they didn't survive the war, they'd leave the world to mourn the loss of their alter egos, while the people they knew would mourn the loss of them. Bucky had thought Samuel Washington a perfect name for Captain America despite Steve's protests, so Steve had made up Sgt. Bartholomew James for Bucky. Three identities was pushing it, even for a superhero, but it worked well enough for them.

 

"Alright!" Coulson announced, clapping his hands. "Now, this may be a bit tricky. I'm going to put you in pairs. One of you will be Barty, the other Sam. Once the scene is done, we'll have you repeat it and switch characters. Feel free to ad lib a bit again. Deal?"

 

The group nodded. 

 

Steve was paired with Bucky.

 

"Why the hell are you here?" Steve hissed. 

 

"Natasha blackmailed me into trying out," Bucky muttered. "I went to the second day of auditions while you were still moping."

 

Steve jostled him good-naturedly. "What's the likelihood he'll cast us?"

 

"Too damn high!" Tony announced. He looked like he'd rather be anyplace but there. His face was set in a look of dramatic despair. "Damn being a Principal's Pet!"

 

"Um, you won the bet," Steve pointed out. 

 

"Yeah, but I lost the bet I made back in April with Clint that you'd actually take a bet. He let me forget that I made it and surprised me on Tuesday morning."

 

"You are not a smart man," Bucky said seriously, shaking his head sadly. 

 

Tony shrugged. "Even genius takes short breaks."

 

Coulson interrupted then, calling the first pair up to the stage.

 

Tony started snickering upon seeing them begin. 

 

Steve wanted to scold him for being cruel, but it was all he could do not to burst into laughter himself. 

 

"What?" The Captain America asked, while flourishing exaggeratedly with his arms. "What does this mean for the Allies?"

 

His voice cracked on the last word and it was all Steve could do to hold it together. 

 

Bucky didn't last once the Sgt. Bartholomew James started talking. He was trying to sound like an old newsreel for reasons known only to him, but he ended up sounding like an old man. Bucky probably could have held it together if the voice hadn't been completely monotone as well. Bucky was blowing out air through his nose, the universal sound for someone desperately trying not to laugh. 

 

"But Barty!" proclaimed Captain America. "Whatever shall we do about this problem?"

 

Steve was shaking, and Bucky wasn't even trying not to laugh anymore, joining Tony on the dark side. 

 

The next few goes weren't much better, but at least weren't outright hilarious. There was even a couple really good pairs, but Steve thought they looked a bit more like the rest of the Commandos.

 

It was Steve and Bucky's turn soon, and they stretched and headed up to the stage. 

 

"Wanna be Barty first?" Bucky asked. 

 

Steve snorted and nodded. 

 

"What?" Bucky started. "What does this mean for the Allies?"

 

"I'm not sure Sam," Steve said earnestly, pretending to examine a news report. "But here it says that HYDRA's started to move farther in."

 

"So Bart, what are we gonna to do about this problem?"

 

"Well, we're gonna need to do a bird's eye scan of enemy lines, try to see if he can't find the main HYDRA base."

 

"The time for real action has come," Bucky announced. "It's time to stop cutting off heads and head straight for the heart."

 

"I'm right behind you Cap. Let's get this done."

 

There was some scattered applause when they were done. Coulson looked exasperated. "Mind switching now?"

 

"Sure thing sir!" chirped Bucky. 

 

"What?" Steve said, falling into his role as Captain America with ease. "What does this mean for the Allies?"

 

"I'm not sure Sam," Bucky responded, patting his shoulder and holding up the script like it was part of a report. "But see right here it says that HYDRA's started to move farther in."

 

"So Bart, what are we gonna do about this? There's gotta be something." Steve leaned against an imaginary table, pretending to scan a map. The theater was silent save them, and Steve felt a bit of a rush. This acting thing wasn't too bad when it wasn't war bonds. 

 

"Well, we're gonna need to do a bird's eye scan of enemy lines, try to see if he can't find the main HYDRA base."

 

"That'll be your job, sniper," Steve ad libbed. "Because the time for real action has come," Steve continued, facing the audience and pulling on his time in the USO. "It's time to stop cutting off heads and head straight for the heart!" 

 

"I'm right behind you Cap. Let's get this done!" Bucky said. 

 

Then, because Steve knew it would make Tony and Bucky laugh, he added, "For America!" and lifted an imaginary shield. 

 

The audience exploded into applause. Bucky collapsed in laughter next to him, and Tony fell off his chair. 

 

...

 

The cast list came out the next Monday. Tony screamed. 

 

"I'm Howard!" he yelled, jumping up and down angrily. "Fuck! I don't want to play my father!"

 

"Think of it as a joke musical," Bucky suggested, craning his neck over the crowd of excited theater kids to see his name down for Sgt. Bartholomew James.

 

"Nice job," Steve complimented. "Both of you."

 

"You got Cap, obviously," Tony said to Steve. Steve shrugged and opened his mouth but Bucky beat him to it. 

 

"Duh, Coulson cast it," Bucky pointed out. 

 

The group of theater kids were glaring at them. 

 

One of them fake-coughed the word Hipsters. 

 

"I'm not a hipster!" Tony exclaimed, affronted. "Sure, these two take wardrobe tips from Dick Van Dyke but I am no hipster."

 

Steve rolled his eyes and dragged Tony away. Bucky muttered "that was one time," and followed them out to the car. 

 

...

 

The day of the musical, Steve was actually nervous. He fidgeted with the wristwatch Tony had made that would make him look like his pre-serum self. His reflection looked familiar now, rather than slightly alien like usual. The size of his body hadn't changed, it just looked smaller. Tony had described the watch as a "dumbass hologram simply for aesthetic purposes."

 

Stepping out onto the stage, Steve froze slightly for a moment, and barely remembered to fall over when one of the other people in the show, a guy named Kenny, aimed a fake punch at him. 

 

Bucky was enjoying it far too much. Steve kept giving him looks once they were offstage. The play was just so inaccurate that it was hard not to laugh. Captain America was portrayed as always following directions, Dernier was fluent in english, Gabe spoke fluent German, Dugan and Falsworth had become instant best friends, and Morita wasn't half as snarky. Not to mention that Bucky had to be a lot more acrobatic than he'd ever been during the war. 

 

It really was hilarious. The girl playing Peggy was nothing like the actual Peggy (hell, she was blonde), but she was a good enough actress that she could at least pretend. Colonel Phillips was a complete softie, and the Hydra agents were actually scripted to trip over things and accidentally shoot each other. 

 

Giving his bows, Steve was thankful that he only had to do that one more time and then never have to think about it again. 

 

...

 

In the audience on the second and last performance of the show, Thor was leading Jane to a seat. 

 

"So Steve and Bucky are actually in this?" Jane asked, amused. "And Tony?"

 

Thor nodded. "It is quite entertaining. None of them want to be there, but they were roped in. It is the Son of Coul's wrath that keeps them in the show."

 

Jane snorted. 

 

When Tony started singing, Jane laughed hysterically. He wasn't bad, not at all, but he looked ridiculous, and Tony just wasn't one to sing. 

 

When Bucky and Steve sang, she had to clutch onto Thor to keep from falling off her chair. Thor was chuckling as well. 

 

"It's just so wrong," she said, sobering suddenly. "It's just terrible. It's romanticizing World War II, and it's not even good on top of that! The lyrics are corny and the tunes leave a lot to be desired."

 

"Hence why it's being recorded for blackmail purposes," Thor said. 

 

"This is why I date you," Jane joked. "To get in on Avengers blackmail."

 

"You date me because we have a beautiful connection, the likes of which is rarely seen throughout the entire nine realms," Thor said. 

 

Jane melted. 

 

...

 

"All mine," Clint whispered. "My precious!"

 

"Precious!" Sam cackled with him

 

"Success!" Natasha announced. "We can get away with anything now."

 

The three exchanged evil looks and the door banged open.

 

"My camcorder, my blackmail material."

 

"We got it for you in the first place," Clint whined.

 

"I brought up the subject of Fury," Sam said.

 

"And I convinced Tony to go along with it in the beginning," Natasha finished. 

 

"Four-way split," Bruce said. "Or I take it all."

 

"Damn you," Sam muttered.

 


End file.
